Goodbye to Everything I Knew
by Meloko
Summary: A story for the backdrop of the Michelle Branch Song ‘Goodbye to You’.


TITLE: Goodbye to everything that I knew  
  
AUTHOR: Meloko  
  
EMAIL: faithz_angel@hotmail.com  
  
ARCHIVE: my website is http://home.talkcity.com/BoxOfficeBlvd/cleopatra- 1st/stargate.html and any who wants it.  
  
CATEGORY: Angst, S/D, song fic  
  
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer, Gamekeeper, Forever in a Day, The First Ones  
  
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 4  
  
RATING: PG  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:  
  
SUMMARY: A story for the backdrop of the Michelle Branch Song 'Goodbye to You'.  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is from the album- Spirit Room, which I can't stop recommending! It was also at the end of the Season 6 Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode 'Tabula Rasa'.  
  
(note- # this indicates the lyrics of the song)  
  
  
  
Goodbye to everything that I knew.  
  
"You don't love me, you love him" His eyes fiery, as he told her.  
  
"Who is this other man I supposedly * love*?"  
  
"Jack" Daniel replied bitterly.  
  
"No, I've told you."  
  
"Everyone at the base is still talking about you and him," he said in disgust.  
  
"They know I'm with you, we told them all weeks ago".  
  
"Doesn't stop them talking, and it doesn't stop you". He shouted.  
  
"What have I done Daniel?"  
  
"You flirt with him, you don't give him any reason to doubt you don't return his aff..".  
  
"Except I'm with you" she interrupted angrily.  
  
"Do you want to be?"  
  
"How can you ask me that?" she told him, hurt flooding through her.  
  
"I'm second best, you can't be with Jack because of the military regulations. Everyone knows about what happened when you both thought you were Zaytarks..."  
  
"And you know the truth. I told you that I was hiding, my fear of dying on that planet. I didn't want Jack dying trying to save me, as I knew there was no way out for me. I shouldn't fear death Daniel, I know the risks of the job, and I'm an Air force officer. That was why I hid my fears, it had nothing to do with Jack."  
  
"Even though he told you he loved you".  
  
"It meant nothing, it means nothing. All I see him as is a friend, and my CO."  
  
"Yeah, just friends. Like we were I guess" he replied resentfully.  
  
"Maybe in your mind, but I've always had stronger feelings for you than friendship.."  
  
"Just like with Jack."  
  
"No, nothing like that. I never told you how I felt till then, as you still loved Sha're. There was no other reason".  
  
"I don't believe you," he told her coldly.  
  
"How can you not trust me? What have I got to say to convince you?"  
  
"Why did you say you loved me, so soon after finding out Jack's feelings for you?"  
  
"Because I thought lost you when Chaka kidnapped you."  
  
"Not when you realised that Jack was not prepared to risk his career to be you".  
  
"No! How dare you accuse me?" she screamed. "I'm sick of this, we've been through this before. Do you want to be with me?"  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"I love you, whether you believe me or not".  
  
"I don't know whether I can."  
  
Tears filled Sam's eyes but she kept them back, just. "Tell me when you grow up".  
  
She slammed the door the sounding echoing through the flat.  
  
~  
  
"What's a pretty thing like you doing out this late?"  
  
"Leave me alone" she insisted and pushed his hand away as he tried to touch her face.  
  
"Come on Love, have some fun" he moved forward forcing her to go back against the wall.  
  
She cursed herself for being trapped. "Get lost" her voice was slightly trembling but she wouldn't be beaten.  
  
"I like it when they play hard to get" he pushed his lips onto hers and she started to struggle as his grip tightened.  
  
"No!" she screamed as she closed her eyes. Then all of a sudden the weight was lifted off her and she was released. Her eyes shot open to see Jack throw the man off her and hitting him, making him fall to the ground. The man put his hand to his face and tried to stop his bleeding nose.  
  
"Touch her again, and I'll kill you" he threatened. Sam had never seen Jack so angry before, but his face softened the instant he turned back to her. "You ok?"  
  
She remained silent for a minute her hands still trembling. "Yeah" she swept the tear falling. "I never thought of you as a Knight before!"  
  
"I don't have a white horse and I choose hockey any day over jousting. But it's not a bad job!"  
  
She smiled. "Thanks, Sir"  
  
"Glad I could help" he looked at her in worry. She was blatantly upset, and he had a feeling it wasn't just because of that jerk hitting on her.  
  
Sam's eyes gazed nervously round until they settled on the beer she still held in her hands. She smiled and took another sip and another before sitting down.  
  
"Carter! What are you doing?"  
  
"Drinking beer, Sir" she took another swig and chose to ignore the look he'd given her.  
  
"How many have you." he moved forwards as she nearly fell off the step. Somehow she managed to keep her balance, barely and sat back up.  
  
"A few".  
  
"Yeah and I'm the queen!"  
  
"You would make a funny Queen!" she laughed as she decided to take another sip. "Can I see your Crown Jewels?"  
  
"Carter! We have to get you home."  
  
"No!" she shouted with her eyes begging him.  
  
"It's not safe here, you've already had one jerk come onto you. Don't think they won't be another".  
  
"Jealous?" she asked menacingly.  
  
"Home. Now".  
  
"I'm not going back there" she insisted.  
  
As he looked at her, he realised what this all had to be about. The attitude, drinking, not wanting to go home and walking alone. This just wasn't her.  
  
"What happened with Daniel?"  
  
She looked at the bottle and Jack decided she'd had quite enough to drink so he took the bottle away from her. "Hey, that's.." he started to pour it into the bushes. "Don't." he cast the now empty bottle aside.  
  
"Sam, tell me what happened?" he asked her gently.  
  
"Nothing, ok, drop it" she turned away so he wouldn't see the tears forming in her eyes. The ones she had been so desperate for them to disappear but had kept falling.  
  
He made her face him and was shocked to see her crying. He softly pulled her close. "It's ok but tell me. Why are you alone?"  
  
"We had a massive argument," she told him barely lifting up her head so the words were mumbled but he heard her.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Sam". He made her look at him. "Everything's gonna be fine. I promise you. Maybe, I better take you back to home".  
  
"He doesn't want to see me". She cried. "He doesn't trust me"  
  
"He didn't mean."  
  
"He did. Please Jack, I can't go home now," she pleaded.  
  
Home, had been Daniel's apartment really, ever since they got together. She'd left most of her stuff there, as they both hadn't wanted to be away from each other.  
  
"I'll take you back to your house then".  
  
She thought about it but then the tears filled her eyes again. "I don't want to be alone. Can I sleep on your sofa? Please?" she asked him desperately.  
  
He knew it was wrong of him to say yes, but she was far too upset to be alone right now. All he wanted was for her to be happy, even if it meant an awkward situation. Having Sam so close was going to be hard but he'd survived this long.  
  
She walked unevenly next to him, not being able to put one foot in straight in front of each other, which in any other circumstances would have been comical.  
  
"Carter, need any help?"  
  
"I'm fine," she told him a bit abruptly.  
  
What Jack had learnt over the years about the drunk Carter, was her mood swings. One minute she'd be lively, the next flirtatious, then angry and finally easily upset. She was a nightmare to be around, as she could turn anything he said around.  
  
Her look quickly turned from one of anger to hurt as she saw the restaurant Jack had parked his car in front of. Hers and Daniel's place, their first official date. That night she had never been happier, and she could hardly believe it was only a month ago. It hurt that Daniel wasn't there with her, more, the fact that he didn't trust her. Her emotions high from the alcohol and she could barely contain her tears.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"I'm fine" she replied unconvincingly.  
  
He opened the car door sensing she didn't really want to talk at this point.  
  
All the way to his house she was silent, her face holding a look of pure misery. He wanted to help her but he was walking a fine line. He waited till he opened the door to force her to speak.  
  
"Sam, what happened?" he knew that she had said they had an argument but her vagueness wasn't helpful at all. "Tell me, everything".  
  
She looked at him and couldn't stop the tears from forming and flowing down her cheeks in rivulets.  
  
"It was awful, he just.he didn't believe me".  
  
Jack pulled her close to comfort her. "It was a fight, he just said those things in the heat of the moment".  
  
"We've had this argument before, he just won't let it go" she looked at him directly making his heart beat faster as their eyes locked. A moment later she told him "I don't know whether we can get through this". The tears escaped her eyes and she returned to the protection if his shoulder.  
  
"Sam."  
  
"He just can't accept how I really feel about him. I keep telling him that I really care but."  
  
Jack's mind reluctantly cast back to when he told Sam how he cared about her, more than he should. Having her so close was driving him crazy but she needed him to be the friend, no matter how he felt about her.  
  
"He's just a bit insecure at the moment, he'll.."  
  
"I don't know whether he loves me anymore" she interrupted him but finally told him the truth. That was why it had hurt her so much, why he'd found her drunk alone and why her face was now tear stained and they continued to fall down them.  
  
He pulled her even closer, so now they were actually touching. "It's gonna be ok"  
  
"Jack".  
  
Happiness flooded through him as he heard her use his first name. For once, she was showing that they had something beyond the chain of command.  
  
"What am I.?"  
  
This time their eyes locked fully, neither wanting to break the trance and nervously he moved his lips to hers. She pulled back, knowing it was wrong. "I can't." she moved towards the door but he stopped her.  
  
She looked at him not knowing how she truly felt. She loved Daniel, and more than anything wished she was with him, but deep down she doubted his love for her and that hurt deeply. She knew she shouldn't be here, not with him but.  
  
Their lips touched and this time she didn't pull away. All her pain she let slip away as she kissed him passionately. His kisses entranced her and soon she lost any free will to push him away as he touched her so lovingly. She responded instinctively, succumbing to his moves and fervently they moved to the bed. ~  
  
Sam felt the guilt wash through her. She had betrayed Daniel, all because she was too weak. She had let Jack comfort her and now.she stared at him sleeping next to her. She slipped on her clothes that she had so easily cast aside last night and left saying nothing. The cool early morning breeze hit her hard but she didn't care. She didn't deserve anything. She had ruined everything. She had lost Daniel, and lead Jack along. She didn't love him and now she could never go back to how it was. Not to mention the regulations.she hated herself.  
  
How could she tell Daniel? She knew that he would never forgive her. How could she convince him now how much she loved him, when she had slept with the person he thought she wanted to be with? His best friend. They were a team in shatters, thanks to her.  
  
The walk to Daniel's was long but not long enough. She didn't know how to say the words she never thought she'd say. She was the cheater, the one that let him down. Her and her alone.  
  
She had to be strong, when all she wanted to was run away and hide. Your past always comes back to haunt you and Daniel deserved much better than this. She had to tell him the truth but she couldn't stop the tears from flowing.  
  
She walked up the stairs for once, prolonging the time till she was forced to tell him. As she saw his door she nearly broke down, there and then but she stopped herself. She knocked softly, her hand shaking so much that the noise was so quite he didn't hear it. She knocked again and this time he answered.  
  
"Sam. I'm so glad you came round" he smiled at her, which made this even harder.  
  
"Daniel."  
  
He immediately sensed the hurt and anxiety in her voice and it deeply worried him. "What's wrong?" he moved his hand towards her in comfort but she moved away.  
  
Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"No, it's my fault. I do trust you Sam. Everything going to be ok" he attempted to pull her close but this time she actually hit his arm away.  
  
"I've betrayed you."  
  
Daniel knew her too well, by the way she was acting, it had to be bigger than their fight last night. "What happened?" he was surprised at the anger forming in his voice.  
  
"Remember its you I love Daniel. No one else, I swear."  
  
"Tell Me," he shouted.  
  
"It happened, I was drunk and he."  
  
"You slept with someone else!" he wanted to lash out at her. He wanted to scream how dared she betray him but he just stood there.  
  
"I was weak and I let him comfort me".  
  
"Who is he?"  
  
She couldn't even look at him as she said the truth. Maybe if it had been anyone else Daniel could have forgiven, eventually but as she mumbled "Jack" they both knew it was over.  
  
He laughed, sending a shiver down Sam's spine. "And I'm supposed to believe that you love me and not him. You make me sick Sam. Last night I realised how much you really meant to me, and how stupid I was being but I was right all along wasn't I?" he grabbed her arm roughly and she struggled to get free.  
  
"No. It meant nothing to me"  
  
"Shut up Sam" he opened the door with his free hand and threw her out with the other. "Don't you ever speak to me again. Hear me?"  
  
He slammed the door in her face and both of them broke down in tears either side of the door.  
  
~  
  
It had been days since they'd seen each other and neither had dared set foot on base in fear of seeing one another. Though both had decided that they had to get on with their lives and move on.  
  
Sam turn on the ignition and flicked on the radio. She knew she had to get her belonging from his place but she still didn't know how mad he was and how much it would hurt to see him.  
  
# Of all the things I've believed in I just want to  
  
Get it over with #  
  
Daniel gazed at the letter that lay on the car seat next to him. He'd written it days ago and had only just had the nerve to deliver it. his eyes floated back to the changing traffic light but then they found their restaurant. He just stared and remembered, the good times they'd had there. The feeling of loneliness and pain returned and he saw her face gazing lovingly back..  
  
# Tears form behind my eyes But I do not cry Counting the days That pass me by #  
  
As Sam pulled up to Daniel's apartment block ,she felt her eyes prick with tears of regret and anguish. She held them back as she knew she didn't have a chance if she allowed them to fall. She could barely believe it had only been a few days since they'd broken up, it had felt like a lifetime ago they'd been together.  
  
  
  
#Deep down in my soul Words that I'm hearing Are starting to get old #  
  
As he remembered he was remind of the numerous messages she had desperately left him every night since. He couldn't help wonder whether it was just guilt or whether it was actual remorse. It didn't make a difference; they were over. He let the words of the song slip him back into reality  
  
# It feels like #  
  
It feels like a deep wound has been opened, he thought and how he was unable to close it..he was startled by a car beeping behind him. Realising he'd missed now two lots of traffic lights he waited till the next ones to move..  
  
# I'm starting all over again #  
  
She had to just get on with her life, she decided so she knocked on the door and waited patiently for him to answer. After several knocks she took her set of keys out. She was relieved he wasn't there but the silence of the apartment just didn't seem right so she flipped the radio back on.  
  
# The last three years Were just pretend #  
  
He couldn't believe that he'd known her for four years, even harder to believe he'd loved her deeply for three of them. It took being trapped underwater and the possibilities of never getting out for him to finally realise she meant more to him then the friend she was. He couldn't tell her but he couldn't help but wonder, had it all been pretend. Did she really care for him? Did he even love her? Was it the hurt of loosing Sha're and the need to find someone else to love or was it really just a deep affection for her?  
  
Could Sam really have slept with Jack if there was nothing there? Yes, she said she was drunk but she could have stopped herself, if she really cared. That was why he didn't believe her.  
  
He stared at the letter and decided he was right.  
  
# And I said  
  
"Goodbye to you #  
  
Goodbye. The word echoed through Sam's mind and she feared it. It sounded so final. She knew that they were over but goodbye, it couldn't be. She would still see him so it wasn't really goodbye. Neither of them had actually said it but his anger showed his true feelings.  
  
# Goodbye to everything I thought I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold on to" #  
  
Everything had changed. They could never go back and he knew that even if they tried it, it would never work. He almost smiled at his track record. His parents had died, he let Sha're get taken as a host and then finally her suffering ended and now he had driven Sam into Jacks' arms. Impressive. Even before he told her his feelings, she had always been there for him and he had always tried to hold on to that.  
  
# I still get lost in your eyes And it seems that I can't live a day without you #  
  
His eyes was what had first attracted her to him. His adorable bright cerulean eyes, which could persuade you without a word. She missed them and every night she dreamt about him and every thought was related back to him. Every object had a connection to him she realised as she packed her belongings into her bag. It should have got easier by now, she had hoped but she nearly choked as the happy memories flooded her..  
  
# Closing my eyes and You chase my thoughts away To a place where I am blinded by the light #  
  
Every time he shut his eyes he'd see her staring back up at him and every thought was on her, however hard he tried to chase them away.  
  
He let his eyes open and the light shone brightly into them as the gates opened to Cheyenne Mountain.  
  
# But it's not right #  
  
It didn't feel right being in his apartment without him. Nothing felt right without him.  
  
# Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything I thought I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold on to #  
  
He stopped the car and picked up the letter. He swept the tears away and silently whispered **Goodbye Sam**.He still loved her, and would probably never stop but he needed to trust her. He knew that if he did then every time he'd hold her he would remember her betrayal. He walked down the corridor thinking of how his live has changed by a single action.  
  
He remembered the ring he'd bought her the morning before she came around that was his way of showing that he * did * trust her. He wanted to tell her, he never wanted to let her go. Now he had it had to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do.  
  
He knocked on General Hammond's door, no answer so he left the letter on the desk. A letter of transfer. He knew he couldn't possibly be on the same team as * them *.  
  
# And it hurts to want everything And nothing at the same time I want what's yours And I want what's mine #  
  
It hurt to be there, it hurt because she wanted everything back the way it was before. In another way, she knew she didn't deserve it. She deserved nothing. She pictured up his sweater and could smell his aftershave on it. The whole place was Daniel, every detail. She wanted to be part of this place, part of his life. Most of all she wanted to be loved by him.  
  
# I want you But I'm not giving in this time #  
  
He wanted her so desperately. He needed to be held by her, to have her close. His apartment had felt so lonely without her. He was alone. He despised the feeling of loneliness and it would always remind him of his childhood, after his parents died. His eyes looked at her door; unconsciously he had walked to it. He wanted to go in but he stopped himself. He wouldn't, he couldn't give in this time so he walked out of the building. Not even looking back.  
  
# And when the stars fall I will lie awake You're my shooting star #  
  
Sam walked out of his apartment carrying her belongings and whispered "Goodbye" to the air. She gazed up at the stars and remembered. Daniel mimicked her action across town. They were over but they both knew that they would always love each other.  
  
**You'll always be special to me Sam and nothing can take away the memories**. Daniel smiled as he remembered. 


End file.
